Long article ahead!
Things To Do In The Event Of A Zombie Apocalypse
In the vein of my last report, let’s review the things that one should do in a zombie apocalypse. Generally, I like to point out others’ stupidity, purely for others’ benefit. If you don’t know what not to do in a zed apocalypse, you’re doomed to do those things.
To start, let’s list some things that can (and will) go wrong in an apocalypse. This report will most likely be split up into more than one part to avoid a wall of text. We’ll cover the different stages of a zed apocalypse:
Stage 1) This level of Zed-ness is minor. Less than 10 zombies, usually kept under control by the local police department, possibly in riot or combat gear. May or may not be broadcast on the news.
Stage 2) This is the level of Zed-ness that should instill some minor worry in a seasoned zombie/zombie lore lover. 10+ zombies. Will not be controlled by the local police- the zombies may overwhelm them and turn the police department. At this level, the outbreak will almost certainly be covered in the media as some sort of new flu, virus, sickness, disease (a la “Mad Cow” or “Bird Flu” or “Swine Flu”), etc. It may be mildly sensational. This is the time to grab your go-bag and get the hell out of town.
Stage 3) Here, the outbreak will have spread out of one town, village, or city. At this point, it will be either impossible or incredibly dangerous to get out of town. Local police will have been overrun. Your neighbors may very well be zombies. The outbreak story will most likely be covered by news stations other than your local news networks. Your go-bag should have included at least one type of weapon that does not require ammunition; this weapon should be within easy reach at all times.
Stage 4) The country, or possibly even the world, is overrun by zombies. It is survival of the fittest (and the most knowledgeable about the inevitable) and most mentally stable.
We’re going to skip discussion of a Stage 1 outbreak for the moment- there really shouldn’t be much worry there, and most Stage 1 outbreaks are usually passed off as a lunatic or two. Instead, we’ll skip straight to Stage 2.
In the event of any level of outbreak, the first thing one should do is turn their water on. Fill your bathtubs, toilets, sinks, and any available bucket and bottle with water. At some point, the water and electricity is going to be cut off and will no longer be available to you, so filling up anything you can with water is important. Instead of drawing from these while it still works, you should instead fill glasses directly from the tap, for example. Do not dip your measuring cup into your sink to make noodles- fill it with the damn tap while it still works! On to list form, now….
If a Stage 2 outbreak should occur….
–Collect firewood and canned goods. Electricity is going to be cut off, and so will your gas at some point. This means no light and no heat. Without light, people can start to go a little crazy. People start to see things that aren’t there in the dark, and it can make people become very paranoid. Without heat, people can get sick or die from tainted water. People will not be able to bathe (which should not be a huge concern early on). In the winter, with no heat, a human can easily die. Firewood is a huge, valuable resource, and in the end, it may end up being a form of currency.
Canned goods allow a person to eat and store food that won’t spoil nearly as quickly as fresh food. While any seasoned zombie lover or zombie-anticipator should have their on vegetable garden in the event of an outbreak, canned food is a good supplement. Vegetables can be trampled, infested with pests, or they can simply die and rot out of seemingly nowhere. They’re good to have, but you also need some fruit, and sometimes Spaghettios can lift someone’s mood a little.
–Make up your go-bag. This is something people seem to forget an awful lot. It seems like people think they’ll get along just fine scrambling to gather everything they need right before they up and leave town. Truth is, the 15 minutes it takes you to gather your clothing may be the 15 minutes you need to get out before everyone else. Your go-bag should consist of the following:
-2-3 sets of clean clothes, preferably black or dark, natural colors
-a full canteen or several bottled waters
-protein or granola bars
-first aid kit (including band-aids, gauze, bandages, antiseptic, and tourniquet)
-a book or two (paperback, you idiots)
-tent, tarp, or sleeping bag, if there is room
-Swiss army knife, or utility knife/multi-purpose tool
Most of these things are pretty self-explanatory, and are essential to survival, should regular, comfortable shelter be unavailable. Your clothes should be dark colors, so that you can blend in with the wilderness if you need to- no need to attract zombies by wearing neon orange. A book or two are good things to have in the case that you travel with others. This will keep you entertained. Keep in mind that sometimes, although we’re social creatures, humans may need some alone time. While it’s bad to separate from the group, you can have some semblance of alone time by reading; at least you’ll be able to tell your group mates to pay you less attention while you read.
A towel is necessary should a bad wound be sustained by a groupmate, or yourself. Instead of using your spare clothes to staunch bleeding, a towel will allow you to do so. A towel can act as a blanket if needed, as well, and you can use it to clean up or carry things. Towels are pretty versatile. A tarp can be used in place of a tent, to allow you makeshift shelter in case of rain. If there’s no rain, it lends you a place to sleep without being exposed to the elements, or something to sleep on.
–A melee weapon should always be ready to go. This means it should be sharpened, oiled, have nails struck through it- whatever it takes to keep your melee or ammunition-free weapon ready to go. You should always have at least one type of weapon that does not require ammunition. Ever seen movies, where the heroes run out of ammunition and they resort to wooden bats, hockey sticks, chairs, bar stools, etc.? Yeah. Weapons will be covered in a separate article.
–Your car or vehicle should be outfitted for an outbreak. This means that if you own a convertible, please make sure the top is up. Don’t leave the top down while you’re driving, even if it’s nice out. Anyway….
Your car should have supplies in the trunk, usually the same supplies you would carry in any other emergency: water, flares, first-aid kit, kitty litter, blankets, etc. Trunk space can be valuable in every day life, but if you’re reading this article, you’re aware of the inevitable, and I urge you to get a jump on the competition (i.e. everybody else in the world). You should have a cell phone charger (keep in mind, cell towers will eventually be defunct, but while you can use it, do) in your car as well as a board game or two in the trunk. If you manage to live long enough to have nothing to do, a board game can literally save your life. With nothing to do but listen to the moaning of the undead outside your door and beneath your windowsill, you and your group will become aggressive, crazy, and power struggles can form. Have something ready to take everyone’s mind off of the insanity of the new world, because if you don’t, everyone might just take your head off instead.
A Stage 2 outbreak can mean death for a lot of people, but if you keep your head cool and your heart even cooler, you’ll probably survive. Don’t expect the worst, but be aware that it can happen. Your loved ones may be trapped, or even already eaten by the time you get out of your house, but they can not be a priority in your mind. If you don’t survive, how are you going to see them again anyway? You’re not. You need to be alive to see them. Hope for the best, but don’t expect it to happen. In a zombie apocalypse, there are only a few things one needs to think about: the present, and they very immediate future. Your needs for shelter, water, and food are most important, right behind survival.
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